Sweat

It’s 90 degrees in my house.  The A/C is kaput.  The good news is there are men here putting in a whole new unit.  The bad news is, I can’t even run the fan while they’re doing that.   So it’s just sit and wait.  And it feels hotter in here than it has for the last few days, even though the A/C hasn’t worked for a while.  I think it’s kind of like the thing when you have to go to the bathroom, but you’re in your car, 15 minutes away from home  and the closer you get to the house, the more you have to pee.  It’s excruciating and gets worse and worse, as you unstrap your toddler from her car seat, fumble to put the keys in the lock, and run to the bathroom just as your 8 yo little girl–the slooooowest pee-er in the entire universe–shuts the door with a “I’ll just be a minute.”  As you do the potty dance outside the door, seconds away from sweet, sweet relief,  you feel like your bladder is going to explode. The bathroom is right there and knowing that fact makes you have to go all the more.

cat on a toilet

If it’s not the kids, it’s the cat.

Wait.  Where was I going with that?  Oh yeah.  Sitting in a 90 degree house while men are outside for 5 hours, putting in the one thing that will cool you off, is exactly like having to pee.  The longer it takes and the closer you are, the worse it feels.  I’m hyper aware of how stinkin’ hot it is.

I’m going to use heat exhaustion as an excuse for the bathroom analogy.  It’s the best thing I could come up with, in my weakened and sweaty state.

Is there anything worse than sweating in your house while you’re sitting still?  I don’t like to sweat ever.  That’s why I don’t exercise.  Well, that and the fact that I’m extremely lazy.  My aversion to sweat is unfortunate, as I live in Coastal Georgia–a virtual sauna with biting fire ants, sand gnats, and a thriving mosquito community thrown in for good measure.   And hurricanes.  Seriously, what am I doing here?  Why aren’t I in Satsop, Washington, where it’s a lovely 53 degrees?  Or Sublimity, Oregon , both for the coolness of its weather and its name?

Sublimity, Oregon

 

The kids are getting restless and with every degree get a little more annoying.  They’re all covered in sweat, looking like they just got out of the shower, because they haven’t learned that when you’re hot, it’s best to just sit still.  No, they’re bouncing off the walls and getting meaner by the second.  If I could move, I’d do something about it.  As I can’t, I’ll just sit here and scream at them to stop and they’ll go on being awful, as they learned at a very early age to tune out mom-shrieking.

I will say that being hot makes my kids cuter.  They get that rosy glow to their cheeks and a sparkle in their eye.  You know the one.  The on-the-edge-of-lunacy sparkle?  Oh, and the 2yo, whose blonde, crazy hair gets curlier and curlier the more she sweats?  Is gorgeous.  Good thing, too, because she’s the meanest of them all.  She literally clawed her brother’s eye a few minutes ago while doing her baby pterodactyl shriek.  She takes after me.   Well, except for the gorgeous part.

baby pterodactyl

Who knew there were pictures of ACTUAL baby pterodactyls? *smirk*

Oh, good news!  The AC guy is finished!  The system is up and running.  In a little while, maybe the kids will return to their normal, only slightly annoying selves.  It’s not like I’ll notice.  I’ll have my face plastered against the only accessible air vent,  greedily hogging the cold air.

It’s good to be the parent.

 

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9 thoughts on “Sweat

  1. This is probably the most amusing account of broken air conditioning I’ve ever read. Glad you were able to find humor in the situation because I definitely couldn’t when I was in FL with no AC and unable to open the window because they hadn’t bothered to come take down the wasp nest by my bedroom window. I’m hoping it doesn’t get too hot here this summer. For some reason, there’s no AC. Since the bedrooms are the only rooms with ceiling fans I foresee hanging out there a lot (which is what I’ve done most of the day).

    • The most amusing account, huh? Well, that’s something, as I’m sure you read tons of narratives about broken air conditioning. You can’t pick up a book these days without reading about somebody’s broken air conditioning. 🙂

      What a marvelous excuse for staying in bed. I hope you use it to your advantage.

      • Haha well I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else writing in blogs or books about it, true lol. But I have seen quite a few FB status updates from people about them lol. That it is. I am. I’ve been working on photo albums, writing drafts for blog posts, and reading blogs between. Not a bad way to spend the day.

  2. A bit of heat and you can’t stick it, omg, it was 100 degs here this past three days A/C who needs it, A/C no-one has it here 🙂 A/C what is it.

    Bring on more days of 100 degs we can stick it out, get out and get a tan, i think the next 3 /4 days are to be the same.

    Then its back to bloody rain 😆

  3. I am reading this snuggled up in bed and wondering when someone is going to turn our heating on! At least you have a whole new unit.

    As for ants and hurricanes, well you could swap them for crocs and cyclones in the Northern Territory of Australia.

    I came home one day from work and the house felt like a furnace. The kids had turned the heating dial ALL the way up! I asked how could they not tell it was too hot!! Miss O 1 looked at me and said, “Remember where we come from Mum. Feels FINE to us!” I guess it did!

    • Everything is relative, isn’t it? Oh, we don’t have crocodiles, but we do have rattlesnakes and alligators, among other things. Mild climate has its price.

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