Happy Birthday, Baby Brother

My baby brother turns 30 today.  For his birthday, I’m giving him a blog post.  I’m sure he’d be thrilled if he actually read my blog, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.  Well, I know he did once because he left a comment (on Facebook, not here *eye roll*), telling me about a typo, but that was way back in May. (The Test, if you’re interested.)  To be fair, I never talk about my brother.  Well, except that one time, when I wrote this:

I even miss my brother, the spoiled brat who never had to do any housework, who is too smart for his own good, and who, without fail, has a smart-alec remark for everything. (My Old Kentucky Home)

Is it any wonder he doesn’t read my blog?  Anyway, like any good big sister would do, I’m taking the opportunity to throw him under the bus again tell you the great things about my brother.

First, he’s wicked smart.  Seriously smart.  And, yes, he knows it.  I mean, come on, he uses the word MENSA in his email address.  Which is a nice segue into the next fact.

He’s kind of a snot.  But it’s not his fault because he was also spoiled as a child. His only job was to cut the grass and we had a riding lawnmower.  Like I said before, he has a snarky comment for everything and, I must admit, it is usually hilarious.  He reminds me of Seth Meyers, whom I happen to adore.

He’s a raging liberal.   I honestly don’t know how this happened.  Like I said, he’s smart, so where’s the disconnect?  I had hope for him until I saw the Michelle Obama magnet on his refrigerator.  What is that?  I will say that he knows how to argue politics and keep his sense of humor.  He’s not offended when I call him Comrade. Not. One. Little. Bit.  That is awesome.

He can eat whatever he wants and not gain weight. Genetics are cruel, people.  I can think about a Snicker’s bar and BAM! an extra roll of fat appears around my midsection.  This man can eat and eat and eat and not even a blip on the scale.  Why didn’t I get his metabolism?  Why?  Why? Why?

So It’s the Laughter We Will Remember

Now would be a good time to share my favorite memories of my brother.

Homer Simpson  Doh!We were on vacation with our parents a few years ago.  We were staying in a lovely cabin with an extremely clean sliding glass door leading out to the patio.  The couch, where I was sitting, happened to be in front of this crystal clear glass door.  My brother, beer in hand, was on the porch, grilling, I believe. (He’s an excellent cook, by the way.) My brother decided to come inside.  He turned and walked directly into that sparkling clear window.  SMACK!  Forehead hit the door and beer ran down it in sheets.  And I had the best seat in the house.  I giggle every time I think of it.  I’m giggling now.  It was GREAT.

Now, maybe that’s mean.  But, hello?  He EATS whatever he wants and DOES NOT gain weight.  He’s SMARTER THAN ME.  He DIDN’T have to DO DISHES.  MICHELLE OBAMA REFRIGERATOR MAGNET!!!!

My brother and I are as different as night and day but we “get” each other.

When my house burned down, he called me.  That was such an important call.  He let me make the inappropriate jokes I needed to make to cope and he laughed at them.  I knew he would.  I knew he was the only one, other than my husband, who would understand these horrible attempts at humor.

1.  I was going to do a major clean on the house this weekend.  Glad I didn’t decide to do that last weekend.

2.  At least it happened before I did the big grocery shopping.  We literally had no food in the house.  We’re going to need that grocery money now and I hate wasted food.

3.  The headline on the news is “House Fire Leaves Family of Seven Homeless.”  Wow.  I’m homeless.  Isn’t that hilarious?

4.  Well, we were thinking of moving anyway.  At least now I don’t have to pack.  I hate packing.

5.  Heck no, I didn’t give an interview to that news reporter.  Me, standing outside my burning trailer, hair a mess, no insurance, and 5 kids running around me?  Might as well paint “white trash” on my forehead.  Though it would have been awesome to use the thickest southern accent possible to say grammatically incorrect sentences and ask if anyone seen my dawg runnin’ around anywheres.

Not my best stuff, but it’s all I could come up with, considering the situation.  Point is, my brother laughed.  I love him for that.

The Honeymooners Ed Norton and Ralph KramdenI love that he’s a wonderful husband and father.  I love that he’s a smart butt.  I love that he asked for a cake for Christmas when he was four.  I love that he gets super excited about food and can eat approximately 50 tacos in one sitting.  I love that he bakes and makes homemade buttercream icing.  I love that he loved The Honeymooners and Dobie Gillis when he was in elementary school.  I love that my grandma had to drag him out of bed by his feet to wake him up for school.  I love that an 8 oz. coffee gives him the jitters and makes sleep impossible.  I even love that he snored like a foghorn and kept me awake when my parents forced us to share a bed in a pop-up camper for “fun” family vacations.

I just love him.  Period.

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother

———————————————————————-

Now let’s see if he does read my blog.  If you read this, little brother, leave a comment.  In the comment section.  Not on Facebook, not in an e-mail.  Here.  We’ll be waiting.

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25 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Baby Brother

  1. Since you were so kind to express your love for me in such a public forum, I will not point out the one error I found in my first read through. Secondly, as a liberal I have one question… can you seriously be exited about choosing between Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Ron Paul? Really?!?!
    Thank you, Big Sister, for the public humiliation on my 30th birthday. I am glad you know that I don’t take myself seriously enough

    • And my phone went nuts during my reply.
      I don’t take myself seriously enough to be upset about pretty much anything you could say about me.
      You are a wonderful mother, and a terrific writer. I can think of nothing better that you could give me for my birthday than a post on your blog. I know that with all that has happened the last year this has been one of the most significant endeavors you have carried on. To have a post “dedicated” to me, your snot-nosed brother, is an honor. I’ll be sure to do something special for the phone call I give you for your birthday.
      Thank you, and I love you, too.

      • First of all, you do read my blog! AND you commented. Woo-hoo.

        Second, there is nothing exciting about Romney, Newt, or Ron Paul. It’s a waste of time anyway. Obama wins and wins big. Just looking forward to 2016 and hoping against hope somebody, anybody, emerges that I can get excited about.

        Third, you made me cry with your “terrific writer,” “honor,” and “love” talk. Jerk.

        Fourth, WHAT IS THE ERROR? I’m dying here. Maybe I’ll find it….

  2. As his wife I feel like I should say something in his defense but everything you said is mostly true. We do have a Michelle Obama magnet on our refrigerator. It is a really strong magnet. He may have gotten out of dish duty as a child but he does them now. Okay so he puts them in the dishwasher but its the same thing. Kitchen smells make me feel icky (happened during pregnancy #1 and has stayed) so he is good enough to not only cook but also clean. FYI…he cleans the bathroom too!!! He does gain weight. Just last night I was teasing him about his food baby. It makes me feel a little bit better since I have gained a pants size with every pregnancy. He is a good man that I was very lucky to find. He is a great father though I do give him a lot of shit about being harder on A than he is on K & E. He goes to work everyday so I can stay home and play dolls and color. He took care of me and the kids when I miscarried and he still lets me lose it every Feb. & Aug. with little complaint. And yesterday when I said I wanted a latte but didn’t feel like getting dressed to drive to Starbucks he did…and he brought me coffee cake too! That is just a little bit of your brother that you don’t get to see but you should be very proud of the man he grew up to be.

    • He’s getting a food belly?! That is wonderful news!

      I know he’s a great husband and father. Don’t be too hard on him for showing leniency to the girls. He’s a daddy of daughters. That’s what he’s supposed to do. You’ll just have to take up the slack with them. Then they can hate you like all teenage daughters hate their mothers. It stinks, but it’s the natural order of things. Don’t worry. It all shakes out in the end. 🙂

  3. The only thing I would have added is the “Happy Birthday Mr. President ” performed in DRAG
    to fully appreciate the well rounded Character he grew up to be. I’m kinda proud of both of you , and I am glad you worked it out. . . .we had few sibling fights at our house, ‘ cause I threatened to lock them in a room and announced I would keep the survivor ~ they soon found out who their friends were, and that its better to work it out cause Mom don’t take sides.

  4. What? You DON’T have a Michelle fridge magnet? The fact he is SMART is WHY he is a Liberal!! 😆

    I’m sticking up for little brother all the way! Besides, maybe his birthday is the same as Duchess Katherine, as her’s is about now too!

    For not having to do dishes: he is lucky he was not my son (and he IS younger than my oldest son), becasue he sure would have been doing dishes! What was your mother thinking? 😉

    • Yeah, yeah. All you Liberals think you’re so much smarter than everybody else. **wink**

      I’m sure if you asked my mom, she’d say he did do dishes. Trust me. He didn’t.

  5. Hey Momfog, I just wanted to let you know about The Dark Globe’s “February Shoot Off! Photography Competition that will beginning February 1st, and Running Through February 14th… At The Moment We’re Voting on the Themes for the Photos if you’d like to Partake Here http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/february-shoot-off-help-us-choose-the-theme-s/

    Also, if you’d like to Submit a Photo, or know people that might want to, be sure to Let them know it will be Starting February First

    Thanks

    DarkJade-

  6. Great post. Makes me wish I wasn’t an only child. Wait – makes me wish I didn’t grow up an only child. But whatever. Semantics. And wait – your house burned down? Holy shite! I’m so sorry and I’m so glad your family was ok. How are you doing now?

    • Yes, my house burned down. Aside from living somewhere we don’t want to live, we’re fine now. There are some minor side effects, but nothing too serious. I really need to do an “aftermath” post.

  7. Hi Erin. Just trying to catch up on some blog reading. Thanks to you (and your baby brother) for my early morning laugh. It is not easy to do that at the butt crack of dawn! 🙂

  8. speaking of sliding glass doors, the scar on bryan’s face is from him running through two panes of glass, as the one side was slid over and then his brother moved it to the opposite side while he went in to get him bubble tape. How cruel. Though, not meant on purpose.

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