The HD Factor

Daily Foglifter:  Number of calories in a Big Mac Extra Value Meal:  1, 170. 

We have a shiny new gigantic HDTV.  It’s beautiful.  LCD, 1080p, some number of hertz, and a bunch of other numbers and letters I don’t know the meaning of.  When my husband was making the decision to buy this thing, I thought, “Who cares?  What difference does it make? Our 10-year-old TV is perfectly fine.”  I now see that it was a dinosaur–a big, awkward T-Rex with flailing, ridiculously small arms.   Just to get an idea, the first iPod didn’t even come out until 2006.  Look what’s happened in technology since then.  Our old TV predated that by 6 years.   

The first time we turned it on, it was a marvel to behold.   It was like the first time I got glasses and realized that I hadn’t been seeing the world as it really was.  My husband wanted the TV so he could see the blades of grass on the football field or golf course.  Why this is necessary, I still can’t explain, but I get it.  It’s amazing.  You can see everything!  And that’s a problem.

While watching movies, you can see the detailed sets and costumes.  You can also see every wrinkle or blemish on the actors’ faces.  I cannot imagine what this means to actresses.  As if they weren’t already obsessed with their appearance.  I love the fact that I can see the imperfections.  It doesn’t make me any less old or fat, but it sure makes me feel better about it.  I imagine plastic surgeons in New York and L.A. love HD.  I bet it’s hard to keep enough Botox or collagen.  Unfortunately, this is not going to do the actresses any good either.  HD makes every enhancement blaringly obvious.  Cougar Town is especially entertaining.  Courtney Cox’s cheeks and lips are grotesquely plump–it looks like she got stung by a bee.  Christa Miller’s face looks like a mask–absolutely no movement or expression above the mouth.  There is, of course, another side to that coin.  The younger actresses don’t look freakish.  They’re still pretty much flawless.  That depresses me a little bit.

Have you spotted the problem yet?  HD is making me mean.  Well, let’s be honest.  HD is exposing me for what I am.  Women already have an inherent cattiness.  (If you don’t, congratulations, you’ve managed to transcend your gender.)  But mine is becoming more overt.  I actually said last night to my husband that a local newswoman looked like the crypt keeper.  It’s becoming a problem.  I’ve tried to justify my behavior.  Don’t they have it coming?  How long has Hollywood been making women everywhere feel fat, ugly, or sub par?  What goes around, comes around.  That might make sense if I was any better looking.  I’m not.  And HD is not helping.

Have you seen a food commercial in HD?  I have made two trips to fast food restaurants specifically to get what I saw advertised on television this week.  Was the food good?  Yeah.  Was it as good as it looked?  Nope.  I still ate it and added God knows how many calories to the daily 10,000 I probably consume already.  Oh well.  I can always watch The Biggest Loser and rest in the knowledge that I haven’t been reduced to standing in a sports bra on a giant scale in front of millions of people.  Can you imagine what THAT looks like in HD?

I am new to the whole HD experience and I suppose I will adjust.  Soon I’ll be as blase′ about that as I am about my ancient cell phone.  Now, in ten years, when we get a 3D television, I’ll have a whole other dimension to contend with.  Wonder how much weight I’ll gain when pizzas and cheeseburgers start flying at my face?

“The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.”
Chris O’Brien


6 thoughts on “The HD Factor

  1. Look on the bright side Erin . . . with HD, you now know that the women are flawed & are not the “goddesses” that we are led to believe they are. (Did that make sense? I’m having a moment, so please over look me if it didn’t!) ; )

  2. I’m still content to watch the Dinosaur And still nothing MAKES me wanna eat McDonalds. I’m content to be that Ol Stick in the Mud, But a Great Sound System still makes me crank up the tunes
    Whether its ZZ-top and la Grange or Pavarotti “nessun dorma”

    • You’re only content to watch the dinosaur because it’s all you got. Trust me. Find you some Tom Sellek or whatever movies on Blu-Ray, and watch it in 55 glorious inches of television and then get back to me! LOL!

  3. I got your Daddy one for Christmas last year remember ? We DO HAVE HD I am still content to watch the Dinosaur Oh Yeah, I also got me a little HD TV to take to work with me My Little Flat screen that stays in the car Really I do know what they look like I have watched them

  4. Love this one. The final comment, “Wonder how much weight I’ll gain when pizzas and cheeseburgers start flying at my face?” made me laugh out loud.

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